Why am I still grieving? There is no timeline for grief
Why am I still grieving? There is no timeline for grief
“Shouldn't I be over this by now?”
It’s something I hear more often than you might think.
Sometimes it’s been six months. Sometimes two years. Sometimes ten. Life has carried on, other people seem to have carried on, and yet your grief can still appear out of nowhere and completely knock you sideways.
A song comes on. You walk past something in a supermarket. Their birthday comes around. You have some news and, for a split second, you think I need to tell them.
And there it is again.
If you've ever wondered why you're still grieving, the first thing I want to say is this: grief doesn't work to a timetable.
Grief doesn't just disappear with time
There can be an unspoken expectation after someone dies that eventually we will "move on".
In the early days, people check in. They ask how you are. They might bring food, send messages or simply give you permission to talk about the person who has died.
Then gradually, life returns to normal.
Except your normal has changed.
The people around you may stop asking. You might even start worrying that you've talked about your loss too much. Before long, you can find yourself saying "I'm fine" because explaining that you're actually having a really difficult day feels like too much.
But continuing to grieve doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
When somebody has been an important part of your life, their absence doesn't suddenly become insignificant because a certain amount of time has passed.
You don't have to "get over" someone you loved.
Instead, grief often becomes something we gradually learn to carry differently.
Why can grief suddenly feel worse again?
One of the confusing things about bereavement is that it isn't linear.
You can have weeks or months when you're doing okay and then suddenly feel as though you've gone backwards.
You haven't.
Birthdays and anniversaries are obvious triggers, but sometimes it's the occasions you didn't expect that hurt the most.
A wedding where they should have been sitting beside you. Becoming a parent and wishing they were there to meet your baby. Starting a new job. Moving house. Hearing somebody laugh like they did. Seeing their favourite food.
Sometimes it's even the good things.
We tend to associate grief with sadness, but some of the hardest moments can happen when something wonderful happens and the person you desperately want to share it with isn't there.
Grief has a habit of turning up at life's milestones because our relationships don't simply stop mattering when somebody dies.
When everyone else seems to have moved on.
This can be one of the loneliest parts of grief.
In the weeks immediately after a death, there can be lots of people around. There are arrangements to make, messages coming in and people asking what they can do.
Then the funeral happens.
The messages become less frequent. Other people's lives understandably continue.
And sometimes that's when the reality of the loss really begins to settle in.
You may also find yourself protecting the people around you. Perhaps you don't want your children to worry about you. You don't want your partner to think you're not coping. Or you feel as though friends have heard enough about it already.
So you carry it quietly.
This is one of the reasons grief counselling or bereavement support can be helpful. Not because there's something wrong with the way you're grieving, but because having somewhere you don't have to protect anyone else's feelings can be a huge relief.
There isn't a 'right' way to grieve.
Some people cry. Some don't.
Some want to talk about the person they've lost constantly. Others find talking incredibly difficult.
You might want their belongings around you, while somebody else might need to pack things away.
You might feel sadness, anger, guilt, relief, numbness — sometimes several of those in the same day.
There isn't a checklist you need to complete before you're allowed to say you're coping.
And grief isn't evidence that you're failing to move forward.
You can build a life, laugh, make plans and experience happiness and still miss someone terribly.
Both can exist at the same time.
When might grief counselling help?
You don't have to reach crisis point before asking for support.
You might consider bereavement counselling because your grief feels overwhelming, but you might equally come because you're simply tired of carrying everything by yourself.
Perhaps there are things you don't feel able to say to your family.
Perhaps everyone thinks you're coping brilliantly.
Perhaps the person who died was the person you would normally have talked to when life became difficult.
Or perhaps you just want somewhere you can say their name, tell their stories and talk honestly about what losing them has meant for you.
Counselling isn't about helping you forget somebody or teaching you how to "move on".
Sometimes it's simply about having a space where your grief is allowed to be exactly what it is.
Looking for grief or bereavement counselling in Spalding?
I offer grief and bereavement counselling for women in Spalding and the surrounding Lincolnshire area, from my private counselling space in Gosberton. I also offer online and telephone counselling if you'd prefer to have sessions from home.
There is no point at which you should be over a bereavement.
Whether your loss happened recently or many years ago, if it still matters to you, then it matters.
And you don't have to wait until you're struggling to cope before you reach out for support.
Grief can also bring up thoughts and fears around death that we don't always feel comfortable talking about. I've written more about this in Let's talk about death and dying.
If some of this feels familiar and you're wondering whether counselling might help, you're welcome to book a free 15 minute introductory call. There's no pressure to commit to anything - it's simply a chance to have a brief chat and see whether working together feels right for you.